Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
someone owes me an orgasm
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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