Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
