dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
it's like heaven, but drunker
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize