do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
