I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
look no pants
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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