I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
