This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
