I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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