I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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