We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I cannot find my penis.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
