I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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