I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
