Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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