i already hear my dad disowning me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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