If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
