I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
