Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
