i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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