He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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