So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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