When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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