Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
