I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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