i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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