Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
