I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Ladies don't puke and tell
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
