im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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