You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He shit in the fireplace
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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