your parents love me but you hate me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
