Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
