one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
