She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize