Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just want nice things and good sex
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
