I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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