True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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