I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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