a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Princesses don't give blow jobs
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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