i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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