I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
