have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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