dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
