The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize