You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
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