I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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