my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
