How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
