gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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