Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
