"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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