fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
