I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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