At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
