dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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