what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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