your parents love me but you hate me
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
