Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
