Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
