Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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