cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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