$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
