On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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