I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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