Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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