Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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