My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i don't like sucking hair
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
